My Ode to Florence Pugh
It’s about that time of year when Florence Pugh hits us with another wonderful movie. This time it’s in some Marvel slop movie about a Spider guy or something. I don’t watch that Marvel tripe, except to mock it for cheap quips and lame one-liners. This movie was horribly bad, apart from the scenes with Ms. Pugh, so let’s discuss it.
I know, I know. It’s almost a month after release. Who cares about Spider-Man anymore? Not when there are such big films in theatres like: Insidious: No Way Out, Paw Patrol: The Dino Movie (Can’t watch since I don’t know the complex lore), Spa Weekend (Florence Pugh should star in that one), or the Odyssey.
Sorry, I fell asleep typing that last paragraph. Anyway, Spider-Man: Brand New Day made me wish I hadn’t woken up that day. They butchered Frank Castle, turning the Punisher from an edgy vigilante into a babysitter who discusses life problems with two overgrown children. The scene with him literally donning the Spider-Man mask to cheer at a crowd nearly made me vomit out my popcorn.
Thankfully, the movie was saved by the scenes that Florence Pugh was in. She wasn’t in much of the movie, much to my chagrin. She had an excellent scene with her in a hot bath, another scene with her in the bathhouse, and I think at one point she was in a park or something. I forget. Most of the movie was Tom Holland walking around looking sad and depressed, and Sadie Sink (you know her from that one scene in Stranger Things when she runs. Yep. She does that in this movie too) walking around looking constipated.
To the credit of this movie, it didn’t spend much time on action scenes. I think at one point there was a guy with a giant metal tail running around killing people. That was over fairly quickly. The big action scene was near the end, when Spider-Man fights a bunch of ninjas who are mind-controlled. Classic!
About halfway through the film I decided to write a poem to Florence Pugh. Here it is:
The Ode to Pugh:
Florence Pugh
I wish I knew You,
You’re the best Actress I have ever seen,
And you’ve made me so keen
To try to get your beating heart.
But not in the weird way
Uh, anyway…
I haven’t seen any other Tom Holland Spider-Man movie, but I was already bored of his relationship with Zendaya in this film. She runs around looking scared. Is that all she knows how to do? Even in Dune, she just does the same look constantly and people applaud her for being the greatest actress ever. HAVE THEY SEEN FLORENCE PUGH?
Oh, right. This is a review about Spider-Man: Brand New Day after all! I can’t keep meandering about nonsense, otherwise I’ll get fired. I can’t lose another staff writing job after the fiasco at the last place I worked at. Let’s see…I talked about Tom Holland and Zendaya, Sadie Sink…the Punisher…
Florence Pugh basically spends the movie not doing much. She’s the new Black Widow (I guess, I don’t watch this crap usually), and handles the “big potato” stuff. Spider-Man handles the “little potato” stuff, such as stopping an omega-level mutant from mind controlling the entirety of New York City, I guess.
Would I pay good money to see this film? Absolutely not. It’s all going to be consumed in the slop fest that is streaming services, so you could probably wait until you see it. Unless you collect Spider-Man Funko Pops and your wife has “opened the marriage” to other men.
Now would I watch this on a streaming service? You bet your ass I would! I know exactly what scene I’d rewind about six dozen times too! Just kidding, Oppenheimer was way better for that. This is a movie for kids after all.
Rating:
🥔🥔⬛⬛⬛ – Storyline
🥔🥔🥔⬛⬛ – Action (When it actually happens)
🥔🥔🥔⬛⬛ – Florence Pugh’s Potatoes (Not as much screen time as Oppenheimer)
🥔🥔⬛⬛⬛ – Special Effects
A total score of 5 / 10 (🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ )
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