By: Connor MacDonald
Arise! I commanded myself awake from my deep slumber. I looked at my phone and relaxed my body. It was 9 p.m., the perfect time to wake. Hovering over my kingly bed was Ian. His Iron Maiden T-shirt bulged under the weight of his impressive frame.
“Uh, Will? You overslept again. I thought I’d come check on you.”
I smacked my lips. My mouth was dry. “Fetch me my vintage!” I ordered. “For I have much work to do under the pale moonlight.”
“Sure.” He walked out of my chambers.
I floated towards my dresser and put on my regalia, dressing myself like some common peasant from the old land. Ian had protested the last time I asked him to dress me because of the implications that would rise from such an event. With a heavy sigh, I put on my cape with a flourish.
In the common area of Darkspire Manor, Ian and Amanda were talking to one another. The damsel I had saved from the night ghouls had become a welcome presence in the manor. She placed her hand on the arm of Ian and smiled.
“Greetings, my minions.” I drifted towards the countertop. “Did you get me the vintage?”
“Night, Will,” Ian said and glanced towards Amanda. She held up a bottle of virgin vintage for me.
“I went and got it myself.” Her voice was cheery. “We have big news.”
I sat down on the stool. “Well, speak it then.” I poured myself the vintage and drank from my gilded goblet.
“Ian and I got an apartment nearby. We will be moving out soon. You won’t have to support us anymore.”
I dropped the goblet. “What?”
“We thought you would be happy.” Ian frowned. “You don’t seem to particularly enjoy our company.”
“That isn’t true,” I protested. “What about when we played that party game with your Italian friend?”
“Mario Party?”
“Yes!” I exclaimed. “That was fun. A talking demon trapped in a television. You are masters of the occult. What am I to do without you?”
They both glanced at each other. “Well, if you want a roommate, you could post about it online.”
“Online,” I said mockingly. “Online. All this talk about online. What if they are night stalkers? What if they are night ghouls? What if Darkspire Manor comes under siege?”
Ian threw his arms up in the air. “For fuck’s sake. Your house isn’t going to get besieged. We live downtown!”
I shook my head and withdrew a letter from my vest. “Read it.” I tossed it towards the pair.
“This says the HOA wishes for you to take down the gargoyles from your entryway? Just ignore them.” Ian slid it back to me.
“Who dares to command a Lord in his castle? This…Ron Smith has made a rival out of me. Declaring that my ornamentations are ostentatious and unbecoming of our neighbourhood. Who does he think he is?”
“He is the President of the HOA.”
I nodded. “Precisely. He commands troops. And now, my only allies are leaving our manor. Leaving me alone. Begone then! I have no use for traitors.”
“Will—” Amanda began to speak, but Ian grabbed her arm.
“Let’s just go. Leave Will to his ramblings.”
They both left to go to their bedroom, and I sat alone in the common area. Without my servants, Darkspire Manor would fall into ruin. I sipped on my vintage and heard the heavy door of the manor shut. I immediately felt their presence leave.
“Fine then,” I said to nobody in particular. “This Ron Smith will pay.”
I left the manor and inspected my gargoyles.
“Greetings, my friends,” I said to them both.
“Master! You’ve come to talk to us!” the smiling one said.
“He always ignores us,” the sad one said.
“I have grave news. The President of the HOA wishes for me to destroy you.”
“You will protect us!” Smiler said. “You always protect us.”
“He protects himself,” Frowner said. “He just sees us as extensions of his domain.”
“I plan on speaking to the President of the HOA. Did Amanda and Ian already leave?”
“Yes,” Frowner said. “They left with some bags. You’ve pushed them away too, haven’t you?”
“Oh, they’ll be back!” Smiler said. “They always come back!”
Frowner frowned. “Hmmph. I am not convinced. Lord Will hasn’t had many friends.”
“They are not my friends. They’re my servants.” I pointed at Frowner. “Now, you are both under my protection. I will not allow this Ron Smith to harm you.”
“If you say so.” Frowner sighed.
“Give Lord Will a chance!” Smiler smiled. “He’s never done us harm before.”
“What about when…” I cut Frowner off. “I will return soon. I plan on investigating. Keep watch over the Manor.”
His house was only a short walk away from mine own. A small two-storey house, with pink flamingos prancing about the yard. Disgusting. Only the lower classes would be amused by such ornamentations. This is the man who declared my gargoyles to be against HOA code?
I banged on the door. “I have arrived!” BANG BANG BANG. Silence fell on his lot. I could see the blinds shift. Muffled voices behind the door.
“Oh no, it’s the crackpot,” I heard a man say. “Honey, honey! Shh!”
I banged again. BANG BANG BANG.
“I know you’re in there, President Ron!”
The door opened up, and a short old man with Italian spectacles answered. “Hey, Will. It’s ten o’clock. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“You are well aware I do not spend my time awake during the day,” I sneered. “We must discuss this issue of my gargoyles. You disapprove?”
The man sighed and pinched his nose. “They’re just not what we want in the neighbourhood. We voted on it at the last meeting, which you did not attend.” He looked down at the ground, away from my gaze.
“And why did I not attend? Was it because it was hosted at three o’clock, when the sun is high?”
“Uh, I guess so?”
I waved my hand towards the pink flamingos. “And the association thinks these are acceptable ornamentations?”
A car rolled by, blasting loud music. Ron clenched his fist as they went by. “Good-for-nothing thugs. They’re ruining our neighbourhood.”
“I can solve that problem for you, if you agree that my gargoyles are to be undisturbed.”
Ron blinked. “How do you propose to do that?”
“I will treat with their leaders.” I shrugged. “I have done it before.”
The man shook his head. “No, I think we know exactly what you’ll do. Look, the gargoyles are coming down. If not, you will be fined every day they’re left up.”
I raised a brow. “So, you seek gold?”
“We accept debit, credit, or cryptocurrency.”
“I have plenty of crypts, if you so desire. How much is it per day?”
“One hundred dollars.” He smiled at me. “Surely a man of your means could afford it.”
Curses! My welfare payment would not come for another two weeks. Ron stood there staring at me, with a slight smirk on his face. He thinks he won.
“Well, we shall see!” I said. “We shall see if you can win an election against me!”
He laughed. “You don’t come out during the day. How do you think you’re going to beat me?”
With a flourish of my cape, I stepped off his porch. I would waste no more of my breath on such a man. It was true. I had no friends, no allies. I walked the lonely streets wondering who I could recruit to my cause. I would become the new President of the HOA, no matter how difficult it seemed to try.
These republicans were an awful sort. Elections, money-grubbing, and the false belief that democracy was better than nobility. In the old country, I would have executed Ron for his insolence to stand up to his betters. Unfortunately, in this country, I had to tolerate it.
“Hey, baby!” A scantily clad young woman called out to me. “You looking for some company?”
A mercenary, perhaps? She might be able to join my retinue, but she does not seem well equipped for battle.
“I do seek a company.” I walked over to her. “A company of men and women who will stand up against injustice! Against the tyranny of the mob, of democracy.”
“You seem lonely.” She touched my chest. “I could be your girlfriend for the night.”
“Girlfriend?” I asked and stroked my chin. “Yes. Perhaps. Do you have a company you keep?”
“Like, the other girls?” As she said that, a large man with a dark complexion came over. He wore a purple robe, laced with fine fur.
“Ayo, bitch, is this cracka bothering you?”
“No, daddy. He’s just lonely.”
The large fellow grabbed my shoulder, and I looked down at his hand. His face was pox-scarred, and he smiled at me.
“Shit! We can cure your loneliness.” He seemed to admire my clothing. “You got money?”
“I have means,” I stated.
“Well, you’ve come to the right place. What are you looking for? White? Black? Young? Old? Redheads?”
“I need allies in my upcoming battle against Ron Smith.”
“Allies?”
“Indeed. He seeks to strip my manor of its gargoyle defenders. He is preparing a siege, I think. I need the assistance. I take it, as mercenaries, you are all available for hire?”
The man was silent. His loud demeanour had changed. “You being serious?”
I nodded. “My former comrades Ian and Amanda have abandoned me. I need the votes to become President.”
“Well, me and the girls can come to your manor!” the large man said. “I’m Black Daddy. This is Candy, my bottom bitch.”
“A pleasure to meet you both.” I gave them a bow. “Candy, is that a Christian name?”
She shook her head. “No, it’s just like an alias or whatever.”
“Very good. We will need aliases to defeat Ron Smith.”
It didn’t take long, but Black Daddy and his female warriors entered my Darkspire Manor within the hour. Some of them were alchemists, so I instructed them to do their potion brewing in the cellar. As I stood on the balcony, Black Daddy approached.
“Shit, man! This place is awesome! No wonder you wanna defend it from that old cracka-ass bitch Ron Smith.”
“Indeed. He will strike soon. One hundred dollars a day if I do not remove the gargoyles.”
“How does he plan to collect if you own the Manor?” An astute question, I judged. I smiled at him.
“Precisely. He will come here armed with his troops. That is when we will strike!”
A group of men dressed like Black Daddy appeared, walking towards the manor. I could see they were armed. “These are your men?” I asked.
“Fellow captains.” He smiled widely. “They have their own female warbands. We will defend you against the HOA.”
“Wonderful. What is it they ask of me?”
“They wish to gain your favour. They have heard of your feats from the girls.” He leaned in. “They wanna use this place as a new crib.”
I thought for a moment. “Indeed. A castle that they can seek refuge in? Well, I have hundreds of rooms. They are most welcome here.”
“Shit. You’re alright for a white boy.” Black Daddy offered me a pat on my shoulder.
He left to meet with the assembled captains and their troops. In total, I counted two hundred female warriors under our banner. I appeared on the upper banister and looked down at them all.
“Thank you for heeding the word of the Lord of Darkspire Manor!”
They began to chant as I spoke to them. They settled down as I waved my hand.
“Tomorrow, Ron and the HOA will seek to fine us. We will seize the HOA from them.”
“How will we do that?” Candy asked.
“Simple. We make this neighbourhood OURS!”
A chorus of applause and laughter rose high in the manor. One of the men turned on a stereo and began listening to the Notorious Bard B.I.G.
A cloud of smoke clung to the rooms. Strangers were inside my manor, as the female warriors led them to rooms. These were people who I understood. The entire manor shook from music, copulation, and dancing.
“Hey, Will,” one of the girls said. “You wanna go to bed?”
“That depends. Are you coming with me?”
“Oh, you’re so bad!” She slapped my chest.
“What’s your name?” I pulled her closer to me.
“Brandy!”
I took her back to my chambers. She was a full-bosomed lady with red hair. I would enjoy her for the night. We fornicated like two beasts in my kingly chamber. She was a fantastic warrior.
“Our alliance is sealed. My seed courses through your womanhood. If you have a son or daughter, seek me after the battle.”
“I’m just gonna take Plan B.”
“Well, if you insist on raising them yourself. I do admire strong women, after all.”
She rolled over and stood up naked in my chamber. She sauntered over to the window and pulled open the blind. It was nearing day.
“Are you a fellow night walker such as myself?”
“Well, I usually sleep during the day.”
“Would you like to sleep in my bed today?”
“I’d like that!” Brandy climbed back into the bed, and we drifted to sleep. For I knew that we would need to rest to prepare for our battle against the HOA.
When I awoke, Ian and Amanda were standing inside my bedroom. Their faces were pale.
“Will! We had to come back because the apartment we rented was full of mold and bed bugs. Who the hell are all of these people?”
“They are my allies.” I sat up. Brandy pulled the blanket over herself.
“Will, you have pimps and prostitutes inside the manor.”
I shrugged. “What’s that matter? They want to help me against the HOA. My two servants left me to fend for myself. Black Daddy and Candy are helping me prepare the defences.”
“Will, the police are outside. Ron registered noise complaints.”
“They’ve come with their soldiers.” I shot up and looked at the time. It was eight o’clock. Just turning night.
“Brandy, go and alert the captains. It is time for battle!”
“Jesus Christ!” Ian shouted. “You can’t just fight the police and the HOA.”
“We shall see, Ian. You have little faith in your master.”
The men and women were assembled in the hall of Darkspire Manor. They looked up to me. Ian and Amanda slowly walked out and stood behind me.
“Today is the day! Today is the day you earn your keep. Where we tell Ron, and the police, and the agents of power that we cannot be pushed around! This is our city too.”
“Our city!” they shouted. “Our city!”
“We gonna reverse colonize they asses!” one of the women shouted. I nodded.
“Indeed. I was once the colonizer. Now I am the recolonizer. Prepare for battle!”
Local bards were singing songs as we marched out of the gate. Ron was standing in front of several police officers, who looked at each other when they saw hundreds of my comrades pour out of the manor.
“Fuck me!” Ron shouted. “He turned the manor into a ghetto!”
“Watch what you say, white boy.” I pointed at Ron. “This is not a ghetto. It is a manor.”
“Do something!” Ron shouted at the police officers.
“Do what? There are hundreds of them,” the one officer said. “If this is a party, you must disperse!” he yelled at us.
“This is no party. These people live with me!”
A thunderous roar of approval came from behind me.
“This is our neighbourhood now.” I pointed at Ron. “Your pathetic HOA has no control over us. Black Daddy and his girls will operate in this area going forward. They are under my protection.”
“This…this is absurd!” Ron was almost in tears. “They can’t do this!”
“I just did.”
The next morning, for-sale signs were on most of the properties surrounding Darkspire Manor. My mercenaries had triumphed over the HOA, and I would see them standing on the streets patrolling our neighbourhood. They even purchased some of the homes near the manor.
More alchemists were seen on the streets and plenty of women too. No more complaints about thugs blasting music in the streets. The music was being played at all hours of the day now. They were even painting imagery on the walls of trap houses. I wasn’t sure what was being trapped, but I am sure my soldiers are protecting our dark kingdom.
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