What the hell is 7th Heaven?

I only get to make one Stephen Collins joke in this article.

Ah, the good ole’ days. When you could leave your doors unlocked, work ten hours a week as a minister and somehow feed seven kids, and forcibly indoctrinate your children into your strange religious views. What wasn’t to love about the ’90s? 7th Heaven encapsulates so much of that era in one perfect little show, and I love it.

I watched the entire first season entirely stoned out of my mind, so forgive me if I gloss over some details. I’m no Stephen Collins, so I won’t talk about my love of Jessica Biel. For God’s sake, she was only fourteen when the show came out! I wait until they’re at least eighteen (Season Four, I believe).

The show is about the Camden family, an affluent WASP family that pretends to be impoverished and seems to enjoy getting into the affairs of literally everyone in their fictional town. Granted, I’ve known some rather overzealous religious people who enjoy butting into MY business. Upset that I’m smoking drugs and drinking alcohol at 4 a.m., howling at the moon as part of my own religious exercises. Stop trying to solve all my problems, Reverend!

The Camdens always seem to enjoy getting into the business of their peers, neighbors, and basically everyone else. In one episode, they’re lamenting the fact that their eldest son, Matt, is not taking anyone to the prom. They unknowingly set him up with, and I quote, “the school harlot,” because her father asked Eric Camden if Matt could take her. They prostitute their son out without knowing why Matt didn’t want to go with her in the first place.

In another episode, Matt stays over at a girl’s house. Eric freaks out and has a meltdown in the kitchen, screaming, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?” It later turns out that Matt has actually befriended a pregnant teen out of pity, or something. Of course, his family assumes he knocked her up, but she quickly explains that she wouldn’t bang a dweeb like Matt. The family is reassured, and Eric, of course, sets out to make sure this teen mom is supported by her single father and the baby’s deadbeat dad, who is about 12 years old.

Typically, all of the episodes revolve around Matt being the “bad boy” of the family. All I see the guy do is help homeless people and teen moms, and protect his sister from going to prison over stealing a $2 glass from a diner. In the first episode, he does want to “teach” his sister how to kiss guys. That’s a bit strange, but I imagine this is the type of family that kisses each other on the lips when they greet one another. Like a Tom Brady wet, sloppy kiss.

Is the show “so-bad-it’s-good”? Not to the same degree as The Room. Some episodes are kind of a snorefest, while others are genuinely interesting. My favourite episode was the one where Eric’s dad showed up. I only remember that they called him “The Colonel.” They portrayed him as some hard-ass macho man, but the guy was hilarious. It was obvious he thought his son was a pussy freak for becoming a minister instead of joining the military.

The best part of that episode was the fact that the Camdens, who are lamenting their money problems, find a homeless child hiding in Eric’s office. The Colonel recognizes this little kid as basically “having the balls” to do what needs to be done. He decides that this homeless beggar is a better heir for him than Eric, so he adopts him at the end of the episode. There is a funny scene where the Colonel, his wife, and this kid are smoking cigars and playing cards with one another, contrasted with the 7th Heaven Camdens cowering in a garage, hiding from George and the Colonel.

The entire show was designed around the idea that Protestant families would gather around the TV after their daily board game session and watch a “new lesson” from the Camdens. Lessons such as:

1. Don’t steal.
2. Don’t lie.
3. Don’t disobey your parents.
4. Don’t have fun.
5. Openly discuss sex with your children so they don’t become “harlots.”
6. Don’t accept homeless kids into your home in case they’ve got more grit than you.
7. Make sure to kiss your brother first so he can teach you how to make out. Your first time has to be special.
8. If your neighbors are having marital problems, intervene immediately.
9. Go to the library frequently.
10. Don’t disobey your parents. Seriously this time.

You know, I look around the world and see how bad it’s gotten. 7th Heaven ended in 2006, and all I see is sin. The greatest sins known to man. Kids riding skateboards down the streets of my small, idyllic town. Women and men getting DIVORCES. Racism has become more of a problem now. The Camdens were NOT RACIST. They had a whole episode dedicated to their friends, the Token Blacks, who are also good Christians.

If we had this show back on the air, all of our problems would be solved. I could imagine a future episode, or, if this wasn’t already made, a new one, where a Muslim family moves in next door. The town is racist toward them, but not the Camdens. They have a big dinner together and discuss how they aren’t that different, and it ends with the Muslim family’s daughter going out to get ice cream (halal) with Matt. That would solve all the problems of rising Islamophobia in America and Canada!

I strongly recommend EVERYONE watch this show. Stop what you’re doing right now and go watch it. You might learn a thing or two about life, love, Jesus, and the American way.