Spiritual Protections: A Practical Theory of Magic

Authored By: Dr. Oswald Widdershins (D. Div. Unaccredited.)

Some people have written in to Philistine Review, saying that “Oswald Widdershins caused me to get possessed by a ninth-degree demon,” or that I am “instructing people on the arcane arts without teaching them protective spells.” I suppose I should have started with an introduction to abjuration, but I was so excited to tell people about my theories that I just forgot. Sorry about that.

Any occultist knows that protecting your spirit (sometimes referred to as manna — NOT THE FOOD) is paramount. When your manna becomes stronger and stronger, entities are drawn to you like a moth to a flame. Engaging in rituals, spellcraft, or various other things makes it burn even brighter. Therefore, before engaging in any of the rituals I have already outlined, you should find a practice that protects you. I greatly apologize to the several dead readers who didn’t realize this.

Firstly, you have two ways to protect yourself. Natural magic and divine magic offer two different forms of protection. Natural magic requires you to use your own bodily fluids, salts, incense, or things from the “natural world” to protect yourself. One practitioner told me that she would vigorously masturbate before spells and use that sexual energy to protect herself from demons. I’m not as crude, so I use incense and salts to protect myself: circles of salt around myself, burning incense, and unlocked doors. A person who practices divine magic may find protection in iconography, religious symbols, altars, and asking your God for help.

Once, I battled with a pedophilic Baron of Hell who was hiding inside a school. I entered with my staff, a pouch of salt, and incense. I wouldn’t be getting diddled by this demon. Using my staff, I broke into the school’s basement window and slipped into the boys’ locker room. That’s where the demon was located. I spread salt around the floor, bound him into a circle, and lit incense to keep my soul cleansed. It’s then that I uttered Ali Umayyad’s Incantation of Obliteration and obliterated the entity from our realm of existence! Of course, when I explained this to the police, they didn’t seem convinced.

Here is a crude abjuration spell that you can practice:

Protective Circle of Widdershins

Required Items: Five pounds of salt, three black candles, the hair of a cat, and the ejaculate of a virgin.

Firstly, arrange the salt in a counterclockwise fashion around yourself. The protective circle will be broken once you step through or over the salt. Once that is done, arrange the candles approximately equidistant from one another. Light the candles in a clockwise fashion and stand in the middle of the circle. While rubbing the hair of a cat, utter these words:

“Rait chaous, hrea mi wrods, dna accipt mei sacrufice. Gaurd mei ni yuor choatic energeis.”

RAYT KAY-oss, heer mee wurds, dan ak-SIPT may sak-roo-FEESS. Gard may een yoor KOH-ah-tik en-er-GAYS.

After you utter the incantation, you have approximately six seconds to drip the ejaculate onto the candles in a counterclockwise fashion. You are now suitably protected from minor entities.

Do not use this as a protective ward against seventh-degree entities or higher, or demons trapped inside computers. It won’t work. It’ll just make them very angry.