What are your favorite side-hustle ideas?
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You wanna earn a quick buck? Tired of boring-ass “morality” holding you back? Here are five TOTALLY ILLEGITIMATE WAYS TO GET RICH QUICK!
Number Five: Shrimp Pool Incorporated
You got about $500 in your savings account? Want a nice little “side hustle” that can quickly turn into a multi-billion-dollar, MATRIX-ENDING business idea? Look no further than SHRIMP POOL INCORPORATED!
You’re going to buy ten kiddie pools and fill ’em up with water. Premium water. Then you’re gonna release a bunch of freshwater shrimp into the pools. These little guys love to bang, so you’re gonna get a bunch of these things. Get an air pump and oxygen doohickies if you’re feeling magnanimous towards your shrimp.
In about 3–6 months, you’ll raise a bunch of shrimp and be LOADED with cash. Probably around $4 per pound on the low end at a wholesale rate. You’re loaded, buddy! Your ten kiddie pools can produce, let’s say, 300 shrimp to sell. That’s a good few pounds’ worth. You’re looking at dozens of dollars!
Number Four: Shower Curtain Sales Limited
It’s time to bust out of the Matrix. You’re going to escape from your pre-written lines of code. You’re no longer a “flagger” for some construction gig; you’re now a SHOWER CURTAIN SALESMAN!
This is what you’re gonna do. You can’t just buy shitty-ass shower curtains online and sell them for a profit. You’re going to do something even better. You’re going to take shower curtains and market them towards the rich and elite. Door-to-door sales. You’ll purchase shower curtains that have cool designs on them, like two people kissing, and try to sell them to your neighbours.
In about 3–6 months, you’ll annoy enough people and get some pocket change. You’ve just uncovered a REAL SIDE HUSTLE and have potentially earned enough cash for a coffee. You’re a real capitalist now, baby!
Number Three: Marketing Consulting Agency
Hey, you’ve seen ads, right? Fantastic! You’re now a marketing consultant. Wow, that was REALLY EASY! You’re going to register your consulting business and cold-call and cold-email literally everyone fucking possible until some poor idiot… I mean, entrepreneur, takes you up on your offer!
You’ll say something like this to them: “Greetings, Soandso. I’m Elite Flexibility Marketing Agency. I noticed that you’re not doing so great with advertisements. I can help. If I can increase traffic by 10%, you’ll pay me $50. How’s that sound?”
You’re gonna get told off a lot, but eventually some desperate housewife will pay you for it. Next step? Make AI-generated content of dancing dolphins talking about their product. A bunch of kids will go to their website, traffic goes up, and you just got paid, baby! That means you’re a PROFESSIONAL now! Add that to your LinkedIn!
Number Two: Corpse Removal (Uber for the Dead)
Don’t worry, I don’t mean “illegal corpse removals” that your “Cousin Vinny” asks you to do at 3 a.m. No, instead these removals will be ordered by “funeral homes” or possibly “families” who need the bodies transported around.
Unfortunately, you’re gonna need a car at a minimum. Wrap up those bodies and just chuck them into your trunk. Nobody needs to “know” what you’re doing. Just leave them on a stretcher or whatever. Just make sure the families don’t see you doing this. Also, do not make JOKES about the dead people around their families.
Corpse recovery fees are around $300 or something. So, if you get, like, one job a month, it ain’t that bad. Reach out to funeral homes, police agencies, or whatever else. I’m sure you probably need a “licence” for this. Or maybe not. It’s up to you to look into this, not me.
Number One: Fertilizer Wholesaler
Fertilizer. Everyone loves fertilizer! Gardeners, farmers, hell, even guys who write manifestos need fertilizer for some reason. These morons don’t realize fertilizer comes out of the human ass. So, instead of flushing your gold down the toilet, squat over a bucket and get to work!
I think you can just mix your feces, leaves, dead insects and animals, and whatever else into the bucket of sludge you’re producing. Just make sure you keep it outside. You don’t want to stink up your house, do you? Once you’ve got a couple thousand buckets, begin to cold-call farmers and ask them if they wanna buy your fertilizer. When they tell you to fuck off, sell it on the side of the road.
I’m thinking a fair price is a couple thousand dollars per bucket. I’m sure some fetishist freak would love your bucket of fertilizer. Get to selling, baby!
Leave a comment below on YOUR favourite Philistine side hustle idea!
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